Breakthrough

Today I realized I am the cause of my own suffering. Me — not my husband, my family, my childhood, my losses. Just me. This is fabulous news.

I have long understood that, with the exception of the sudden loss of my father, most suffering I've experienced is bourgeois suffering. Lately, sifting through images of the Haiti earthquake and of life in the Democratic Republic of the Congo (as part of a project I'm working on for Mercy Corps), this has been more than obvious. And yet, I still didn't see.

The bottom line is I want to be a better mother. I am a good mother, but I'm an impatient person and that comes out in all of my relationships, including with my 4-year-old. And it breaks my heart. I had impatient parents, and I know what it is to be a child on the receiving end of impatience and anger. At best, it's no fun. At worst, it's terrifying.

Today, while engaged in the chaos of the before-school morning routine, I remembered. I told myself repeatedly to speak with love. When I felt the impatience begin to creep in, I stayed conscious and let it go.

I am using my yoga breath.

I have no need for the suffering, bourgeois or not.

I am letting it go.

Process

Anna has always been a process girl. Before she could walk, she would create amazing installations using whatever was in reach (tea and sugar packets were favorites). I've always been fascinated by her process, and have tried to document it when I have the opportunity.

Our tulips are in bloom again, and Anna's been patiently waiting for some of the cut ones to wilt, so she could claim them for her fairy house. I had no idea where this was going, but she seemed to know all along.


She began by systematically dissecting each flower, separating the petals, leaves, stems, and stamens.


Leaves and stems were then cut into smaller pieces.


Once everything was just so, she arranged each pile on a tray to carry outside.


Petals were laid down in front of the fairy house.




Stamens were then placed on each petal. Voilá, fairy beds.

Spring Break: the Beach

For the past few years, we've spent Spring Break down in Florida with my grandparents. It's wonderful watching them bond with Anna, and the sun break is always welcome (although this year it was lovely in Portland in February!).

But despite the fact that we're only miles from the beach, we'd never made it there with Anna on our previous visits. That changed this time, and it was an ideal day. The beach was fantastic, with gentle waves, a slight breeze, and shells. Lots and lots of shells.

You see, I have a weird thing about shells. I can't not look for them. When I'm on a good shelling beach I get so distracted that I really have to make myself lift my head and notice the rest of my surroundings. Because David has some anxiety that, if left to my own devices, I will singularly remove all the shells from the beaches of the world, I take lots of photos and then throw most of them back into the ocean. Because, heaven knows, I don't want to be responsible for creating a housing shortage for the hermit crabs of South Florida!

In any case, shells were admired (and smuggled), sand castles were built, waves were jumped, and memories were made.

Raw Goodness

Lately I've been dabbling a lot in raw and vegan food. This isn't a huge stretch for me, since I've been (mostly) vegetarian for 20 years, but it's still a shift. One of the biggest changes has been juicing. I never really understood the benefit of juicing veggies before. Basically, you get all the nutrients without having to put your body through the work of digestion. Because you're eliminating the fiber, you can consume much higher quantities of these nutrients. What you end up with is like super-charged vitamin water.



I've been juicing most mornings for about 2 weeks now, and I'm hooked. The combination of the physical lightness I'm feeling with the energy burst from the juice is addictive. I've been playing with all sorts of combinations, but usually throw in most of the following: 1 beet, 2 stalks celery, 1/2 cucumber, 3 carrots, 1 apple, 1 Meyer lemon, a handful of dark greens (beet, chard, spinach), parsley or cilantro, fresh ginger. Yum.



I've also discovered a fabulous tool for creating spiral “pasta” out of raw zucchini. It has passed the taste test of 3 discerning, little girls who actually preferred it to the wheat pasta we made as a back-up! I love it tossed with fresh, raw pesto, but for the girls I used olive oil, nutritional yeast, sea salt, hemp seeds, and a bit of fresh parmesan.





I'm beginning to dabble more with vegan and/or raw recipes, so look for those in the coming months. I can tell you this, in just 2 weeks, the extra “fromage” that's been around my middle since the France trip is melting away. That's not what got me started in this direction, but it certainly doesn't hurt!

Perhaps the geekiest thing I've ever done

This week I spent a lot of time home with a sick kid. I'm not sure if the photos below are evidence of my former art school days or just what happens when I've been cooped up too long. In either case, I have to admit I got way too into this.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present Polly Pocket yoga class:


Plank


Downward-facing Dog


Downward-facing Dog with leg extension


Up Dog


Up Dog viewed from the front of the room


Side-lying twist

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: story telling

“Great and mysterious, he lives in the Emerald, foggy city.”

Art kid

A girl and her horse, paper dolls.

I think I've mentioned before that I was an art kid from a young age, and that I'd accepted the fact that Anna wasn't. Despite the cartons full of art supplies that I've hauled out at various times, she was always more interested in building, or climbing, or pretend play.

All that has changed overnight. My house is awash in drawings and “paper dolls”. My former eating machine of a child will sit at the table, her food pushed to the side, while she focuses intently on the details of each dress, each smile, each letter.

Needless to say, I'm smitten.

A fairy.

Dorothy, paper doll.

A portrait of Mama, paper doll.