Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Today I realized I am the cause of my own suffering. Me — not my husband, my family, my childhood, my losses. Just me. This is fabulous news.
I have long understood that, with the exception of the sudden loss of my father, most suffering I've experienced is bourgeois suffering. Lately, sifting through images of the Haiti earthquake and of life in the Democratic Republic of the Congo (as part of a project I'm working on for Mercy Corps), this has been more than obvious. And yet, I still didn't see.
The bottom line is I want to be a better mother. I am a good mother, but I'm an impatient person and that comes out in all of my relationships, including with my 4-year-old. And it breaks my heart. I had impatient parents, and I know what it is to be a child on the receiving end of impatience and anger. At best, it's no fun. At worst, it's terrifying.
Today, while engaged in the chaos of the before-school morning routine, I remembered. I told myself repeatedly to speak with love. When I felt the impatience begin to creep in, I stayed conscious and let it go.
I am using my yoga breath.
I have no need for the suffering, bourgeois or not.
I am letting it go.